I’ve never thought that anger was an issue for me. I was wrong.
Earlier tonight, I read a message on my page from someone. I took it out of context. I didn’t even consider context. I flew into blind rage.
Why? About an hour before, I had a very painful conversation with a family member. The person said some things that really hurt. I wasn’t expecting it. My walls were down. I reacted. I threw them up. I got off the phone. I lay down boundaries via text and expressed how I felt. But I still felt really hurt, so bigger walls. Walls keeping in the pain.
So when I saw a message in the inbox of my business page from a colleague with what could be considered a double entendre, I flew into blind rage. I did not even think to click on the message to see if there was any context. That did not even occur to me. I reacted. Publicly. With a LOT of anger. I called out another human being in a public post on Facebook because I flew into blind rage. It was only after several comments on the post that I even thought of the possibility that his message wasn’t intended the way I assumed. And I had reported the message as spam, so I couldn’t go back and look at it. (Update: I figured out how to remove it from spam and there was no context. The double entendre line was the entire message.)
I was mortified. I had made a horrible assumption about another human because of a painful encounter with another human that I had not taken the time to process. I never should have gotten on Facebook while I was still feeling that hurt. I should have stayed with the pain, processed it, done whatever I needed to do. I should not have gone back online until I felt good again.
Feeling hurt can skew perception and create projection. It’s important for me (and all of us) to give ourselves time to be alone with our pain, to hold the hurt child inside us, to process it, to let it go. And only then, to interact with others. Otherwise, we just create more pain.
I am making a promise to myself and everyone else to take the time to heal pain before going online.